Friday, March 8, 2013


Not a pretty post. Not today.
I was thinking, I do a lot of that lately. Unplugged from Internet, except on my phone, no TV in my bedroom ... The very things I thought I couldn't live without and yet I'm still living. I'm breathing. And crying. And hurting. I'm going through a divorce. But why do they say going through? It's like falling in a hole, not passing through anything. And after leaving my lawyers office I thought about how I was feeling... Pain and it's just the beginning. They are like doctors - lawyers are. They both perform services, they both remove something when needed. But a lawyer separates this life, a whole other person who you've grown attached too- regardless of how you were treated, attached none the less. But the removal is so long and drawn out. The pain seems unbearable but yet you are awake, living, trying to function. At least with a doctor it's over faster and they do give you anesthetics. But a lawyer will finally remove the bad part but doesn't throw it away... He leaves it whole and you have to see it sometimes. Its inly then that you realize you can actually hurt worse. Because that which was attached and you loved you cant have back. Can only see from afar. And then the lawyer leaves this gaping hole in what used to be your life. And he doesn't sew it up- you're left to deal with the wound, the pain. You stitch it up as best you can but its still not enough. You can't repair it. So you do the best you can and hope it heals quickly. But it don't. You hurt and ache. Even though you know what was removed was for the best in the long run he was still part of your life for seven years. Good and bad he was at least there.
I'm homesick. So bad. I had to go in there tonight for the first time in 7 days. He wasn't home yet. I've not seen him in nearly 21 days. I had to leave as things just wasn't getting any better. But there still not. I've cried all evening and all night.
I've lived through this before. I tried to prepare myself for the days and nights like this but how do you prepare for this? I mean really? Why can't men just love? Love us like their supposed to? Not perfection but fairly?
I said it wouldn't be a pretty post.
Those will come. In the future. Spring will be here. A new start. A new place to live. New ground ripe and ready for flowers to be planted. They will grow. I will grow. Leaves will come on and so will I. But for today. It's hurts. Hard to remember the bad stuff but I have to try. I'm crying because I'm missing what I never really had in the first place. If that makes sense?
I'm at mommas. Listening to the cat play with something, the hum of the fan, which feels so nice. We've had the flu and my lil guy still has it. He's usually a talker but hasn't said much in three days. I miss him. I want him to hurry and get better so I can tell him he talks to much! Lol! It's part of who he is and he's to sick to be himself. Poor guy.
So I pull myself together one more time. Say my prayers and hope for a better tomorrow.
Nite and God Bless!

Sent from my iPhone


Sue from Oregon said...

Been there done that...when you get done crying, get moving! you will feel so much better and given some time you find happiness again. Lived single these last 15 years and happy as a clam-love yourself my craftin' friend!

Mad from Cave City said...

You know it isn't always the mans fault. This is your 3rd divorce, it would look like you would be getting good at this. 3 kids by 3 diffrent men, the problem could be you, maybe if you thought about others instead of yourself and teaching your kids how to get by in life by allowing others to feel sorry for them, you just might suceed. Get a life, growup, get your own place and get a dang job, that's how the rest of us survive.

Lisa said...

It's amazing that someone would post such trash, but then you know so much about me you think I am trash. If you really new me instead of thinking those thoughts you would know the facts!! Yes, 3 marriages... but you know what... who has to stay in a marriage that they get hit??? I bet you wouldn't! And would you stay in the second one if you had a gun pulled on you... I think not! I don't have to explain anything as God knows the facts, my wrongs and rights go through and before HIM... not YOU whoever you are COWARD can't even say your name from Cave City. Pretty sorry to get on my blog and trash talk me! Get your facts straight whoever you are before running your mouth!! And the verse in the Bible... HE THAT IS WITHOUT SIN LET HIM CAST THE FIRST STONE... JOHN 8:7 Get your life right first before trying to work on mine! I've made mistakes but I AM FORGIVEN. I will say a prayer for you tonight that you would find forgiveness for what you're trying to do to me. God Bless you!

Lisa said...

and one more thing MAD FROM CAVE CITY...I do have a job! Not that it's any of YOUR business but I work from home and I teach classes. I don't work 9-5 but I make good money doing what I do. So again, get your facts straight before running your mouth about me!!

Mad In Cave City said...

You know what, if you don't want people to comment or have an opinion about your life then quit putting it on the internet. You say you have a good job and make good money then why live with your mom again, how much taxpayer money have you taken over the years to support you and your kids, yes I have a right cause I helped pay all those bills. You don't have to forgive me and I don't have to worry about casting stones I am right with my world, it just makes me angry that you put this crap on the internet and cry and whine when people don't agree with you. Nobody can have as bad luck as you with men, you know what karma is a b**ch. Stay off the internet or get a thicker skin.

Lorrie said...

I just found your blog and am so sorry you are going through a divorce, but understand since I went through one as well. I see you haven't posted anything since March and hope that you start blogging again. As for the rude comments by Mad in Cave City, this blog is not your blog. This is Lisa's blog and she did not invite you to come and judge her or give her advice or negative comments. If you want to bash people, go do it on your own blog!!! some of us blog for ourselves, not for dim witted people to take it upon themselves to point out things that they think are wrong. Lisa, please start blogging again!! don't let others keep you from it! blog about the good and the bad, because this is your blog!