Friday, March 8, 2013


Not a pretty post. Not today.
I was thinking, I do a lot of that lately. Unplugged from Internet, except on my phone, no TV in my bedroom ... The very things I thought I couldn't live without and yet I'm still living. I'm breathing. And crying. And hurting. I'm going through a divorce. But why do they say going through? It's like falling in a hole, not passing through anything. And after leaving my lawyers office I thought about how I was feeling... Pain and it's just the beginning. They are like doctors - lawyers are. They both perform services, they both remove something when needed. But a lawyer separates this life, a whole other person who you've grown attached too- regardless of how you were treated, attached none the less. But the removal is so long and drawn out. The pain seems unbearable but yet you are awake, living, trying to function. At least with a doctor it's over faster and they do give you anesthetics. But a lawyer will finally remove the bad part but doesn't throw it away... He leaves it whole and you have to see it sometimes. Its inly then that you realize you can actually hurt worse. Because that which was attached and you loved you cant have back. Can only see from afar. And then the lawyer leaves this gaping hole in what used to be your life. And he doesn't sew it up- you're left to deal with the wound, the pain. You stitch it up as best you can but its still not enough. You can't repair it. So you do the best you can and hope it heals quickly. But it don't. You hurt and ache. Even though you know what was removed was for the best in the long run he was still part of your life for seven years. Good and bad he was at least there.
I'm homesick. So bad. I had to go in there tonight for the first time in 7 days. He wasn't home yet. I've not seen him in nearly 21 days. I had to leave as things just wasn't getting any better. But there still not. I've cried all evening and all night.
I've lived through this before. I tried to prepare myself for the days and nights like this but how do you prepare for this? I mean really? Why can't men just love? Love us like their supposed to? Not perfection but fairly?
I said it wouldn't be a pretty post.
Those will come. In the future. Spring will be here. A new start. A new place to live. New ground ripe and ready for flowers to be planted. They will grow. I will grow. Leaves will come on and so will I. But for today. It's hurts. Hard to remember the bad stuff but I have to try. I'm crying because I'm missing what I never really had in the first place. If that makes sense?
I'm at mommas. Listening to the cat play with something, the hum of the fan, which feels so nice. We've had the flu and my lil guy still has it. He's usually a talker but hasn't said much in three days. I miss him. I want him to hurry and get better so I can tell him he talks to much! Lol! It's part of who he is and he's to sick to be himself. Poor guy.
So I pull myself together one more time. Say my prayers and hope for a better tomorrow.
Nite and God Bless!

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