Well, here I go... are you ready to listen?

This is one of those posts... you know the cleansing kind. It isn't always about crafting or scrappin' or things like that. I am a real person and experience real things-daily- as we all do. But lately it seems to follow me around. What is it? I can't answer that question. It is the crud, no not the kind with fever and coughing (well, had some of that stuff too) but this is the kind that eats at you. It is everywhere. Can't turn away. Can't drive away. Can't run away. It is just in me... no matter where I go or what I do I take my "crud" with me. My poor sister, she's heard it all so many times. So very thankful for her. My friend that I can count on the most... she's there for me too. Her advice... you can talk to me and you can talk to your sister and you can talk to everyone about things but you can't satisfy what you are seeking until you talk to God. I do though. I say my prayers every night. I mean what I pray for and really want God's will in everything I pray for. I work where I see all kinds of people (groc. store) and there are some people that have told me I'm a blessing to THEM! I'm spilling my guts here and now and yes crying too! But you know how can I be a blessing to anyone? You know, sometimes I wonder if people knew the junk I was carrying around and hanging on to, what would they say then? I would say, generally I am positive and happy, so that shows... most of the time. People hardly ever see this, what I'm going through right now. I don't know what it is... real problems to work through, and probably hormones too! I'm 37 for goodness sakes I guess it should be hitting around now!? But I have to learn how to .. to figure out how to really let go of this crud. I wont' go in to details, but there are things that I can't fix... boy would I like to, sometimes with a knuckle sandwich! And my husband drives a truck- for WalMart and he hates the way the do things and believe me voices his opinion about - A LOT! And he talks so much about how people shouldn't do this or do that... and they shouldn't let those people get away with this, that, or the other... you know what I tell him? I say well, you can't fix it... just try to ignore it. Take care of you and what you know to do and what you know is right and let God work out the rest. Now, why can't I take a dose of my own medicine? This weekend has been so terribly rough! And really, there isn't anything really wrong. I have just been bawling and feeling terrible and this isn't like me. I have lost the feeling of anything good lately... pity party? maybe, don't know... just can't seem to help myself. I just sit in a constant daze while my life is just passing right on by me... I want to wake up before I miss something. And miss some things I have... my baby will be 9 years old in December and I've got one that will graduate this year. I know that is the way everyone feels... but I am the kind of person to open up all the curtains, blinds, doors ... anything and everything to let in the sunshine! Lately... I don't even do that...just keep everything all closed up and doing that has made me FESTER ever more! If anyone really does ever visit or even read my blogs... I do apologize! Blogs are a way to express ourselves in what ever way we need to... and I need to do this! I wish I could snap my fingers and be normal! I need to give more of this to GOD. I have realized after spending my weekend crying and moping around that I CAN'T FIX IT... so I went to town today after I cleaned myself up a bit... even rented a movie. I watched Flywheel. YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE... RUN, DON'T WALK TO GO BUY IT!! I really needed it! I watched Facing the Giants and Fireproof (the same people made all three of these movies)... and you know I sat there thinking, God why can't I get "fixed" like these people? and then it hit me. I'm not willing to give anything up. I've still got a tight grip on everything that is bringing me down! I have to give it all up! My cure is right in front of my face and I'm too stubborn to take it! I have to let God have it all... everything in my life if I want to get rid of the Crud. and God will fix me! I know this, I've learned enough in my life to know that God is here and is still capable of taking care of me. I just have to know how to let Him. That is the hard part, letting go and learning I'm not in control. He is. He is... that is all any of us needs to know. Just simply that HE IS!! If watching the movie wasn't enough I found this....



That is when it hit me... it is not just about me. My kids see me and the way I've been acting. It isn't good. Now, I'm not a bad mom.... at least I don't think so. I know I won't win the best mom of the year award, but they know I love 'em. But this really made me see even more! It is like God's got a flashing sign up in front of me at every turn. Hey, at least I'm seeing HIS sign and not that old crud now! so I'll end this boo hoo feel sorry for myself, standing on my soapbox session. If anyone reads this, and you pray, please keep me in your prayers. I used to have too much pride to ask for prayer... but we ALL need to pray for each other. I'm pretty sure I've read that somewhere! Thank you for listening/reading my big ole mess. Now I'm not going to read this before I post as I would probably delete it all... so I'm just going to publish as is. Sorry if I've offended anyone, but this is where I can be me... raw, open... me.
stepping off my soapbox...
lisa